I Silently Broken...

semalem itu.... sungguh....
hasratku ada tanya...apa yang terjadi dengan hatiku ??!!.
--rasaku bangkit, tidurku terjaga, masa-masa itu jauh tertinggal, ada didasar hatiku..aku tanggalkan janji, aku hadirkan mimpi...
Mimpi itu...mimpi yang hanya datang di alam mayaku, mimpi yang sesungguhnyalah tak akan pernah singgah disini...

...
again.. I committed a new SIN, is it love or is it lust?
I know...I lost in between Love and Lust...
I thought that I was die... really...
... I'm dead..
... I'm disappeared..
I'm lost... in the middle of my lust...
my sin... I should have been dead ...
it's beyond my boundary ... my imagination, you took it away in out of the blue, I'm not ready for it, I can't tell you the truth...it's hurting me.. it's hurting you.
-- Yes, I'm a coward..
you can say anything against me, you can shout at me, I deserve it...
but I do believe... somehow.. You will come back to me...

Again.. today I got another "surprise", I don't know what to say, but it's really bothering me..my mind screwed up, when I found out whats going on, what is exactly happening... is it real, Sunshine??
Frankly speaking, I'm still not sure about my prediction.. (yea, I called as a "prediction" as I'm still not sure 100% that my INTUITION is right for this called surprise)... I pray to ALLAH that my intuition is wrong, it shouldn't happen.. it's not supposed to be there.. I'm not ready for it.. I faced some "extra ordinary" things in my life, I was brave enough for those.. but not this time.. please.. not again.. I'm tired.. ALLAH please, listen for my prayer ... I'm not ready for IT...don't take everything away from me...
This Sunday morning, after that "surprise" I got, I have no mood to do anything, even to talk.. I was blaming -you- for something that I'm not sure actually really exist, please forgive me... but, I can't help it.. I'm too afraid to find out the truth.. I can see you... silently broken, because all the things I've said.. really it was hurting you, I know that.. and I keep carry on with it. Is it a sin?
...

where all the trust I got ... where all the faith I keep... where all those disappeared? one shot all gone...

... Ku tak selalu berdiri, terkadang hidup memilukan..
Jalan yang ku lalui untuk sekadar bercerita...
Pegang tanganku ini dan rasakan yang ku derita

Apa yang kuberikan, tak pernah jadi kehidupan
Semua yang kuinginkan, menjauh dari kehidupan
...

Tempatku melihat di balik awan, aku melihat di balik hujan
Tempatku terdiam tempat bertahan, aku terdiam di balik hujan

Pegang tanganku ini...dan rasakan yang ku derita
Genggam tanganku ini...genggam perihnya kehidupan